What to Say to Someone Grieving

When someone we care about loses a loved one, it’s natural to want to offer comfort, yet many of us feel lost for words. As grief expert Dr Bill Webster explains, the only real mistake is ‘doing and saying nothing’, because silence can leave the bereaved feeling forgotten or alone.

Reaching out, even with a small gesture – a message, a cup of tea or a quiet visit – can make a difference. These acts don’t need to fix the pain, but they can remind someone that they’re cared for and not facing grief by themselves.

In this guide, we’ll explore thoughtful, gentle ways to check in after a death and what to say when words feel hard to find, drawing on the compassionate insights of Justine Dickinson, bereavement counsellor at the Rowland Brothers Foundation and Dr Bill Webster, founder of the Centre for the Grief Journey. Together, their advice helps us move past hesitation and towards meaningful support.

When and How to Offer Condolences

In the days following a death, support often pours in – messages, flowers, visits and condolences. But as time passes, that wave of care naturally quiets. For the person grieving, however, this is often when the hardest part begins. Dr Webster reminds us that grief doesn’t end with the funeral; it ebbs and flows over time, and steady contact can be a lifeline.

Reaching out doesn’t have to feel intrusive or awkward. Even the smallest gesture can speak volumes. Here are a few gentle ways to check in:

• A simple text: sometimes, a short message says enough. For example, “Thinking of your today – no need to reply”. It lets someone know you care without expecting a response.
• A visit or call: if you’re close, offer company in a low-pressure way, like a coffee, a short walk or a quiet afternoon together.
• Keep it consistent: grief doesn’t follow a timetable. Regular check-ins (even every few weeks) show that your care isn’t temporary.

As bereavement counsellor Justine explains: “Don’t say ‘Call me if you need anything’ – make a date by saying ‘I’ll come Tuesday for coffee’ or ‘I’ll pick the kids up on Friday’. Ask what’s helpful and respect privacy; cultures and personalities vary. Practical jobs, like meals, lifts or admin, can be a lifeline. And keep communicating, even with a simple ‘thinking of you’ text.”

A consistent, compassionate presence helps someone feel less isolated and acts as a reminder that even when life moves on, your friendship hasn’t.

What to Say (and What Not to Say) When Offering Comforting Words for Grief

Finding the right words after someone dies can feel impossible, but often, it’s not what you say that matters most; it’s how you say it. Dr Webster says that well intention phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “You must be strong” may offer little comfort. These expressions, though meant kindly, can unintentionally minimise someone’s pain or suggest they should be coping differently.

Instead, focus on empathy and honesty. Simple, sincere words like “I can’t imagine how painful this must be” or “You must really miss them” show that you recognise the depth of your loss. You don’t need to fix anything – just acknowledging what’s happened can be enough. As Dr Webster puts it: “It is better to have heart without words than words without a heart.”

Listening, more than advice, brings the most comfort. Allow silence, tears and stories. Sometimes the most powerful support comes from sitting quietly beside someone and letting them lead the conversation.

If you’re reaching out by text or card, keep your message warm and open-ended. For example:

• “I’m thinking of you and here if you’d like some company.”
• “Would you like to talk about them sometime? I’d love to hear more stories.”

Small, heartfelt messages like these remind a bereaved person that they’re not alone and their loved one’s memory still matters.

How to Help a Grieving Friend or Family Member

When words feel inadequate, actions often speak loudest. Simple, thoughtful gestures can bring enormous comfort to someone dealing with grief. Both Justine and Dr Webster highlight that practical help, even in small ways, can ease daily burdens and remind someone that they’re not facing things alone.

Offering tangible help can mean:

• Preparing a meal or sending a ready-made dinner to take one task off their list.
• Helping with errands such as school runs, shopping or paperwork that may feel overwhelming.
• Checking in before key dates like birthdays, anniversaries or the day of the funeral, as these moments often bring fresh waves of emotion.
• Sharing a memory of the person who died. It can be comforting to hear their loved one remembered and spoken about.

Dr Webster advises that real comfort comes from doing things with someone, not for them. Offering to help side-by-side (for instance, sorting photos together or accompanying them on a small outing) gives the grieving person a sense of agency and connection.

Practical kindness doesn’t need to be grand. What matters is showing up, consistently and without expectation. These gestures, quietly given, can help someone begin to steady themselves in a world that suddenly feels very different.

Supporting Quiet Grievers

Not everyone shows grief in obvious ways. Some people may return to work quickly, keep busy or appear to be coping well. Yet privately, they might still be struggling. Grief counsellor Dr Webster notes that people who seem ‘fine’ on the surface may be silently enduring feelings of loss, isolation or even hopelessness.

Look out for subtle changes, such as:

• Withdrawing from friends or usual activities
• Neglecting meals, rest or personal care
• Seeming unusually tired or detached

Bereavement counsellor Justine says: “Watch for signs that look like depression: ongoing hopelessness, withdrawing from daily routines, poor self-care, frequent illness, or language like ‘I’ll never get through this’. Ask directly how they are, and if you’re worried, it’s okay to ask clearly about safety, including thoughts of self-harm. People who mask can be very convincing, so gentle, honest questions matter.”

If you notice these signs, reach out gently. A quiet check-in, such as “I’ve been thinking of you lately, how are you doing?”, can open the door for conversation. Even if they don’t respond right away, your message shows care and awareness.

For some, just knowing someone is available when they’re ready can be deeply reassuring. Grieving quietly doesn’t mean they want to be forgotten – it means they need support that feels safe, consistent and free from pressure.

Marking Anniversaries and Special Dates

Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can reignite grief, sometimes years after a loss. Dr Webster explains that these moments often bring fresh emotion because they remind people of what’s changed – and who is missing.

Checking in around these times can make a difference. A short message such as “I remember this time last year – thinking of you today” shows that you haven’t forgotten, while an invitation can offer comfort and companionship.

Justine suggests using meaningful rituals as a gentle way to remember: “Rituals help. Suggest something that reflects the person – a favourite restaurant, a walk, a toast with their favourite drink or visiting a meaningful place. Some prefer celebrating a birthday or a happy date rather than the day they died. The point is to acknowledge the day together in a way that fits them.”

You might also:

• Send a small note or card on an anniversary
• Light a candle or post a memory on social media in their honour
• Offer to join them in an activity that celebrates the life, not just the loss

Remembering these special days tells the bereaved that their loved one’s memory and their ongoing grief still matter.

Listening Without Fixing

When someone is grieving, it’s natural to want to make things better, but grief isn’t something that can be fixed. In Lost for Words, Dr Webster explains that the goal isn’t to take away the pain, but to make the experience better than it might have been if you hadn’t been there.

Your presence is often more healing than any words you could say. Many grieving people don’t need advice or explanations – they need someone who’s willing to listen without judgement. Dr Webster puts it simply: people don’t want answers, they want to talk and know that someone cares enough to hear them.

Here are a few ways to practise active listening:

• Don’t change the subject if they cry: let emotions surface naturally. Tears are part of healing, not a problem to solve.
• Reflect what they say: simple observations like “It sounds like you really miss the small things” or “That must feel very strange now” show understanding and empathy.
• Accept silence: sometimes, the most comforting thing you can do is sit quietly with someone.

Comfort doesn’t always come from trying to find the perfect words; it comes from showing up, staying present and allowing grief to unfold at its own pace.

Keep Showing Up

As time passes, support can fade, leaving the bereaved to navigate grief in growing quiet. Yet grief doesn’t end after a few weeks or even months; it changes shape and continues to surface in unexpected moments. That’s why ongoing contact is one of the most powerful forms of support you can offer.

A message sent months later can mean more than one sent in the first few days. Simple words such as “I haven’t forgotten” or “Just checking in – how are you doing these days?” remind someone that their loss still matters. Dr Webster says: “Good grief support is usually a long-term commitment”.

Keep showing up consistently. Mark special dates in your calendar and reach out with a text, card or call. Mentioning anniversaries or meaningful moments reassure people that they haven’t been left behind as life moves on around them.

Lasting comfort isn’t found in grand gestures; it’s built through quiet, steady presence. The act of remembering and letting someone know you do can be one of the kindest things you ever give.

When someone is grieving, it’s easy to feel unsure of what to do, but the smallest acts of kindness often mean the most. When you reach out, you remind someone they’re not forgotten. These gestures, no matter how small, can help lighten the emotional load and make grief a little bearable.

At Golden Leaves, we believe that care and preparation go hand in hand. By planning ahead a prepaid funeral plan, you not only ease the financial and practical pressures on your loved ones but also give them space to focus on what truly matters: care, healing and remembrance. Thoughtful support, whether through words, actions or future planning, is one of the greatest gifts we can offer each other.